“Forgiveness has not been put on the table clearly enough in any society, anywhere, in the history of mankind,” says Dr. Enright. And understanding what forgiveness means is the first step to getting better at practicing it. According to the University of California in Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, forgiveness is a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve it. Enright adds: “Forgiveness is being good to those who are not good to you.” RELATED: Why Friendships Are So Important for Health and Well-Being Defining what forgiveness is not is equally important, he says. “Forgiveness isn’t excusing what the other person did,” or letting them off the hook. If someone steals from you, for instance, you might forgive them and decide not to press charges, but you’ll maintain that what they did was wrong. Many people use the term “forgive and forget,” but forgetting actually isn’t part of forgiveness, Enright says. For example, if someone keeps borrowing money from you and never pays it back, you might forgive them — but you’ll remember, and won’t lend them any funds the next time. Another important distinction, Enright says, is that forgiveness is not the same thing as reconciliation. “Reconciliation is when two or more people come together again in mutual trust,” he says. If you’re in an abusive relationship, you might forgive your abuser for the sake of your mental health — but you can still flee the relationship, Enright says. What’s in it for you when it comes to getting better at forgiving others? There are indeed mental and physical health benefits. Chronic anger — which we often experience when we haven’t forgiven someone — isn’t healthy, says Gail Saltz, MD, a clinical associate professor of psychiatry at the NewYork-Presbyterian Hospital Weill Cornell School of Medicine in New York City. “Being chronically angry can be very anxiety-provoking to many people, and it can be depressing,” she says. Often, these high levels of anger manifest as obsessions or rumination and can diminish the ability to live a happy, productive life. RELATED: What Is Resilience? Your Guide to Facing Life’s Challenges, Adversities, and Crises People who have not practiced forgiveness are also sometimes preoccupied with vengeance (punishment inflicted in retaliation for a wrong), which isn’t healthy, Dr. Saltz notes. “The pluses of forgiveness have to do with feeling free and not stewing with resentment,” she says. Research does suggest those who practice forgiveness experience greater psychological well-being. Forgiveness can lead to healthier relationships; less anxiety, stress, and hostility; fewer symptoms of depression; and improved self-esteem, according to Mayo Clinic. Research published in April 2017 in the Journal of Religion and Health found that participants who practiced forgiveness experienced more positive emotions, better relationships with others, and more spiritual growth, as well as a deeper sense of meaning and purpose about their life. They also felt greater empowerment. Forgiveness has been linked to fewer physical health problems, as well as lower mortality rates. Saltz points out that chronic anger is associated with being in a high state of stress, which means increased levels of cortisol. That could raise your blood pressure or lead to chronic pain symptoms, she says.
5 Tips for Getting Better at Practicing Forgiveness
Forgiveness isn’t necessarily easy, especially when the harm you’re forgiving is serious or involves something that means a lot to you. What can you do to get better at practicing the act of forgiving? Here’s what the experts recommend.
1. Start With an ‘Uncovering Phase’
This is part of Enright’s Process Model of Psychological Forgiveness. It means examining and gaining a deeper understanding of how a certain offense compromised your life, he says — and clarifying for yourself who did what and to whom. During this phase, you might take inventory of how not forgiving someone has affected you. Are you ruminating? Are you distracted when you’re studying or working? Beginning to understand how a certain incident has darkened your worldview will ultimately help you start down the path of forgiveness, Enright says.
2. Think About Forgiveness as Something You’re Doing for You
Often people approach forgiveness as a favor they’re doing for the other person. Shifting out of that mind frame can be helpful. “Think about what it might feel like to let go and move on from staying angry, and all the ways you might feel free if you’re not angry all the time,” Saltz suggests.
3. Engage in Some Thinking Exercises
Reframe the incident and think about the perpetrator from a new perspective — as a regular human being instead of someone evil. Try to see the fallibility and imperfections in the person who hurt you, Enright says. “More often than not those who act very unfairly against others have been treated very unfairly themselves.” Developing empathy and compassion for an offender, and trying to stand in their shoes, often helps facilitate forgiveness. RELATED: Why Reframing Is a Powerful Tool for Managing Stress
4. Do Something Good for the Person Who Wronged You
At some point, you might be ready to return a phone call to the person who hurt you, Enright says. Or you could send them an email, or talk about them kindly to family members. If the person who hurt you is deceased, you might donate money in their name to a favorite charity. Taking action in this way is a terrific way to acknowledge forgiveness, Enright says. “As you decide to be good to the other, you are the one who benefits,” he adds.
5. Remember That Forgiveness Can Take Time
“It’s a process,” Saltz says. “It doesn’t happen all at once.” Be patient with and kind to yourself, and don’t rush it — move at whatever pace feels most comfortable.
