I wish I could be out socializing with my peers, and although this shouldn’t be impossible, it seems beyond me to figure it out. Getting out involves mobility, the right car, the right mobility device, the right time of day, and so on. Conversations with friends mean so much: They help me identify who I am and where I stand in this world compared with others in my age range. You can bet that most of my friends don’t get slowed down by the simple tasks that are monumental to me, such as taking a shower, donning clothes and shoes, keeping myself organized, arranging for doctor visits, coordinating rides, and more. All of this takes forever to plan and implement. How could the realities of my life possibly generate confidence when my peers are moving ahead with career changes, taking on roles as grandparents, or enjoying adult children? Here are some everyday examples of how my self-confidence is affected by the challenges I face related to MS:
Mobility Limitations
Because of mobility issues, I am very dependent on others for meals, picking up drugstore items, going shopping, or rides in general. There was a time when I did all this on my own. This makes the way things are now unbearable. I would like to suppose that I originally met this milestone in life when it was appropriate, but then everything got jumbled up. So while my peers are attending business meetings or taking vacations, I find myself on the floor somewhere, trying to figure out how to get up, usually with little energy to do it.
Low Energy Levels
Energy is such an elusive construct, and I realize that we are all different in how our energy works. But when I have an illness like MS, the very definition of energy has changed. Other people walk everywhere and get tired appropriately. I used to walk, too, and get tired after a while. But now my low energy level has me struggling to walk much at all. Friends of mine are frequently catching flights and walking through airports, domestically and internationally. At one time, I did the same thing, but now I have to ration my energy as if I am penalized for using too much of my allotment. The penalty for using too much energy is not having enough to do my next task, and I still have a hard time knowing when to stop or knowing how to conserve energy. So how am I supposed to build confidence when I have to focus so much more than anyone else on my energy levels?
Mental Health Challenges
Mental health issues encompass a large area. With my neurologist’s input, I have diagnosed myself as being somewhere on the spectrum of emotional lability, or incontinence. Now this is very hard. How can I have confidence when I need to take medication to control my emotions? And it’s not just emotions; I have seen on my MRI scans how MS has “gobbled” up more than half of my cerebellum like a Pac-Man video game. Knowing this does nothing for my self-confidence.
The Things I Can Do Give Me Confidence
However, something else has emerged through all of this. It is the knowing of my deficits. The brain is absolutely incredible, and when I work, I work well. This is despite my shortcomings. I enjoy dealing with technology and figuring out how it works for me. This includes various platforms, and I am currently learning how to navigate through our extensive library network online. I gain my self-confidence from within, through things that affect my world, not the broader world out there. I know that I often lose my coordination after lunch, so I act accordingly. Rather than jumpstarting my system, maybe it’s time to take a break. I have an afternoon agenda, which includes going online with my new library card. To me, that activity is confidence-building, even if it’s not running a marathon or getting a job promotion!
